


We must choose to reach out and touch

by Ambros



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec and Jace are just friends obv, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, and how Alec reacts to touches, but i don't really know how else to tag this, first of all, it sounds really bad, oh my god how do i explain this, spoilers for season 1 and 2, this is basically the whole story seen through the times Magnus and Alec touched, touch starved Alec I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 14:10:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9185152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ambros/pseuds/Ambros
Summary: - Magnus holds out his hand, a silver chain running around his middle finger and wrist, and Alec doesn't have the time to process it – to think, doesn't have the time to realise what's going to happen because he has to take it and he does, electricity dancing through their fingers and down his back and he tries not to think about it, holds out his own hand for Jace and feels unbalanced; he knows Jace's touch, remembers it from roughing each other up when they were kids even though he tried to forget it, to turn it into a ghost when he understood, but Magnus' is new and smooth and unassuming and he feels uncomfortable, doesn't know what to do with it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is for Fravah 
> 
> I do realise this is a quite weird piece of writing and that you have to know Malec's scenes pretty well to follow it and I honestly hope it's comprehensible.  
> The bonus scene at the end is basically the same kind of analysis but it's for season 2's scenes because Fravah really wanted them.  
> English, as usual, isn't my first language, so feel free to point out any mistakes!  
> I hope you like it :) Please let me know what you think, especially if there is something that's unclear!

  


Magnus holds out his hand, a silver chain running around his middle finger and wrist, and Alec doesn't have the time to process it – to _think_ , doesn't have the time to realise what's going to happen because he _has to_ take it and he does, electricity dancing through their fingers and down his back and he tries not to think about it, holds out his own hand for Jace and feels unbalanced; he knows Jace's touch, remembers it from roughing each other up when they were kids even though he tried to forget it, to turn it into a ghost when he _understood_ , but Magnus' is new and smooth and unassuming and he feels uncomfortable, doesn't know what to do with it.

It's the magic, he tells himself. It's the demon.

He doesn't have the time to call himself a liar.

*

Alec doesn't remember his mother, _mother_ , Maryse, hugging him, doesn't remember running to her with a scratched knee to receive some kind of comfort. Doesn't remember his father patting his shoulders, doesn't remember kisses or caresses.

Because there weren't any.

*

There's the burnt smell of overused magic and Chairman Meow meows at him, almost angry, and the walls are shaking so much he almost falls, but he manages to reach Magnus somehow, catches him before he can _think_ , again, and Magnus feels shaky and small against his hands, and it's _ridiculous_ , he still has magic flowing from his fingers and yet he looks so helpless, he says _help me_ and holds out his hand.

And Alec can't say no – doesn't _want to_ because there's so little he can still _control_ and choose to give, and it's almost defiant, the way he takes Magnus' hand, _take what you need_ , he feels free when all his life feels trapped in somebody else's hands.

It hurts, like he's desperately trying to breathe and isn't breathing _enough_ , but it's okay, Magnus' hand is in his and he's gripping his fingers so tight it almost hurts, he doesn't know how Magnus did it by himself, can't even begin to comprehend how powerful he must be.

And yet he falls freely into his arms once the world has stopped shaking, lets his head rest against his shoulder and Alec's lips are so so close to his forehead, Magnus' fingers slip through Alec's because he can't hold them up anymore and Alec almost catches them again, almost says _take more_ but doesn't, realises how stupid and childish and inexperienced that sounds.

It's selfish, he knows, but that feeling of freedom and choice burns through him and pushes him to reach out again, to touch what _he_ wants, which is why he balls his hands into feasts and only lets Magnus lay his head against his shoulder for a little bit longer.

*

He remembers Izzy hugging him and hanging off of him until he started hugging back, circling her waist with his arms even if he was busy doing something else, he would just keep reading with her head on his shoulder, her arms around his neck.

*

It's not about what Magnus says, it's about the way he silences him, kind, almost sweet, a soft curve to his lips even if Alec is waiting for him to tell him to go, to stop wasting his time; Magnus just holds his finger a few inches away from his lips, doesn't touch him, lets him _choose_ , says _one more drink_.

*

(Control is fleeting, and it doesn't need long to change masters, Alec knows but still has to remind himself of that.

He takes a step back when Magnus reaches for him, and the wound on his arm hurts but he forces himself not to wince.

Confusion and sadness flicker on Magnus' expression.

He wants Magnus to touch him, wants to feel that freedom again because he's so close to giving it up, he tells himself he only wants to feel it one last time but knows it's a lie.

So he just goes.)

*

Magnus says _goodbye, Alexander_ and it hurts like sandpaper on his skin.

*

Alec thought about running his fingers through Jace's blond hair once, and that was when he started keeping his hands to himself, because he was afraid of what he might do.

Touching Jace didn't feel like freedom. It felt like shadows.

*

Jace hits him and Alec hits back just as hard. Maybe harder.

He feels like screaming, almost stops fighting to hug Jace as hard as he can, but he's been holding himself back for so long he doesn't even know how.

So he fights.

*

Magnus' fingers brush his when he gives him his bow and quiver back.

Alec knows Magnus was trying to hurt him, at least a bit, but he gives them back and brushes against his skin when he does, and Alec feels like giving up, he _wants_ , because Magnus wouldn't, _couldn't_ hurt him.

But Magnus goes and Alec thinks it's fair.

Magnus might not have hurt him, but Alec has certainly hurt _him._

_*_

Magnus teases, lives on the edge of his skin, walking around him with magic flowing through his fingers, and he doesn't – he doesn't look hurt anymore, he doesn't look small or helpless, he looks in control and doesn't feel like freedom, it feels like standing on the edge of a cliff and Alec almost _begs_ when Magnus says _I won't ask again_ because he needs _time_ to figure out if he wants to fall or not, but Magnus is gone.

*

He holds his hand out for Jace, and Jace takes it.

He feels like peace.

*

It's fire burning his skin, his lips and the tip of his nose, it's healing, he _needs,_ craves Magnus' touch, touches in return, his hands firm on Magnus' hips.

He falls.

*

 

  


 

 

 

_bonus_

Magnus grabs his arm and Alec _can't_ , he can't _think_ , he can't fall right now, isn't allowed to let go, he snatches his arm away because he can't _he can't_ –

He can't allow himself to heal.

*

He tries to make up for it, tries words because he _can't_ touch him, he doesn't even feel like he has the right to, but Magnus slips through his fingertips and he feels his absence like cuts on his chest.

*

It takes him awhile to figure out he doesn't have to hurt, doesn't have to be alone.

*

His fingers around Magnus' arm feel so good he just lets himself keep the contact, brushes his fingers along his arm and holds his hand tight.

Magnus stops. _You're forgiven._ His fingertips brush against his neck.

He heals.


End file.
